Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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