If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
