Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
Will you blow on my dice?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
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woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.