Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!