i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
And then he peed in my hair
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