3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize