That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize