i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
