I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
