I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
