Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
