My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
And then he peed in my hair
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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