I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
