he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
