we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
