also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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