I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
