Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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