I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
