just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
