everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
