what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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