I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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