if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
