OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
