i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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