went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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