i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
