my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
