Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
