I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
