Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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