Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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