i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
