foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed