a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?