she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex