I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.