i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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