i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
