rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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