I accidentally burped into my bong.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
