i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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