i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
