clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
