I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
