Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
