i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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