To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
