Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
