I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
