I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
pray to the hookup gods
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
