Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
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Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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