His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Someone shattered a urinal.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
