What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
