Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
They took my balls.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
