somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
