At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
