Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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