onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
