Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
